Our Baby is Two!!!

On her second birthday Maddie is very into all of the Disney Princesses. She of course has her favorite which is Belle. She loves Music, Dancing and animals. She still prefers mama to anyone else. She LOVES m&ms and is happy with any chocolate. Her favorite vegetable is broccoli. Her favorite thing to do when we go to the mall is to ride the carousel. She still sits rear-facing in her carseat cause she hasn't gotten to that magic 30 pounds but shes ok with it. She smart, funny and beautiful. And everyday she amazes her mama! Happy Birthday my little princess!

Sleeping Beauty

Maddie is cracking me up! Since she was a newborn I have been trying to get her to bond with something: a blanket, a doll, anything. Well she picked out her own thing she bonded with the hooded ducky towel for her doll. Anymore she has to have it at bedtime and naps. Here she is with her blanky-towel over her:

Not long after bonded with the towel she found this tiny pillow I had stashed away and now she needs that pillow in her crib. Normally its just in the crib. However, the other night I went in to check on her and I found her sleeping on it. It was the cutest thing ever so I came back with the camera and took pictures!

How she can stay asleep with all the flashes is beyond me. I think she looks adorable and just like a little princess!

Field Trip

Earlier this week we got to take a field trip with one of our moms groups to BiZi Farms. To be honest I wasn't sure how any of this was going to go over with Maddie. And when we first arrived and Maddie wouldn't get close to a pumpkin I thought "Great this is going to be a waste!" But I was quickly proved wrong.

Our first activity was making it through the haybale maze. I'm happy to report that we made it through!

Maddie leading the way!


"Whats on the other side?"



From there we moved on to the farm animals. Maddie has always loved animals but getting close to them thats another story. So when she walked up and after a short checking out period reached out for the goat I about feel over.




One of her favorite animals was the baby cows. She was soooo happy to see them. She made little cow noises at them...very cute!



Next up were the piggies. Lately Maddie has been very much into the movie Babe. I'm not sure what animal is her favorite on the movie. But she is so cute when she wantws to watch it because she looks at you all puckered up like a piggy face instead of saying "pig" When she saw the pigs she watched them very intently. I was curious if she was waiting for them to talk or just trying to make the connection.


By the end of it she was a pro at feeding the animals and keep saying "more" "more" which made me smile and Donnie laugh!





After we had enough animal feeding we moved on to the hay pyramid. Maddie climbed it once with Daddy and once with Mommy. When she got to the top she was hesitant about going into the center(that required crawling through a small tunnel) She finally worked up the nerve to be met by a mean boy on the other side that pushed her down and made her cry. It took a few minutes of snuggling and lots of kisses but she recovered.





It was now time for our hayride out to the pumpkin field. Why I didn't take any pictures of this part of our adventure I don't know. But Maddie found the perfect pumpkin and insisted on carring it all by herself! After she founf her pumpkin she spotted the house with the slide and was trying to convince us that we should go over there. It took a lot of convincing from us that those people probably whouldn't like us playing on their slide since they don't know us!
We took the hayride back and then it was time to wash our pumpkin and take a few last picture. I'm grateful the rain held off and we all had a good time!

Halloween Preview

Heres a sneak peek at Maddie's costume!

Mommy's Big Helper

Maddie is one of the biggest little helpers! Anytime I am cleaning the floors she right there with her broom helping. She has been helping unload the dishwasher for a few months now and for the last month or so she has been helping to stock mom's soda. Last week she discovered teh joy of cleaning the glass. I'm enjoying this eagerness to help...I hope it lasts for sometime!

Here's the scoop

I haven't updated with what ever came of my medical problems so I thought I would get it all up to date. I also have to try and get the pictures from our California trip uploaded so this can truely be a Wallingford Family Fun blog!!
As I said in my previous post I got a referral for an Ultrasound. The result was not what I expected! My doctor called and left a message that it was normal and if I had questions to call. Of course I had questions..What the heck is causing me so much pain that I want to run to the E.R??? I decided to see another doctor and see what they had to say. My mom asked her friends that work in Home Health here in town and they gave her the names of two doctors. I got in to see one within a few days. She was puzzled and said that it sounded like Gallbladder to her and she wanted me to talk to a Surgeon to get their opinion. During my visit with her (the new doctor) she thought she felt a lump on my thyroid and sent me in for an ultrasound (I joked they should have ultrasounded my entire body!)
Fast forward about a three weeks later and I am sitting in the surgeons waiting the door opens and the doctor tells me "you know you need to have this biopsied?" pointing to her throat. Great! Apparently I don't have one lump I have two and there is a small chance its cancer! She told me not to worry and if it is cancer its the kind you want to have. Yeah I think I'll stick to worring! She then went on to tell me that my gallbladder might not be functioning correctly and there is another test they can do and if that comes back negative then I have to jump through some hoops to make sure its not something else. She strongly believes its my gallbladder and is pretty set on taking it. She strongly advices getting it taking care of before I get pregnant again since thats when it flairs up. So we're putting that off until we know more.
Later that same day I had an appointment with my new doc. I figured the surgeon had told me the news she was planing on telling me but I needed to go anyways and get my bloodwork results. She put me on a mega dose of Viatamin D and told me that my billi ruben numbers were slightly elevated...makes sense if my gallbladder is out of whack! She felt bad I heard the news about my thyroid the way I did.
A couple days later I went in for the gallbladder test and I go in this Weds for my biopsy. I had the option to be knocked out for the procedure but I wanted to be able to still nurse Maddie. I also figure if I can push for over three hours without drugs and birth a 9lb 12oz baby I can probably survive an hour procedure that the needles in my kneck will only take up 20 minutes of. Plus it would add another 2 hrs to my time there and I would have to worry about finding someone to stay with Maddie and I know how Donnie feels about hospitals as it is.
Needless to say I am on edge. I don't want to the biopsy, I'm praying it's nothing and I wish I could just get the surgry over with and move on. It's a lot of stress and as if thats not enough for me I started to school this last week. Of course I'm not taking a walk in the park class no I'm taking human biology. And then theres my responsibilities to my family and my calling at church and lets not forget that my mom is having problems and I'm helping her when I can. I don't have much at all going on! I am making sure to find time to enjoy my family. We are taking Maddie to a playdate at the local gymnastics place on Tuesday and our goal is go swimming that afternoon as a family. I am truely thankful that I have them and that they give me the love and support that I need. It's times like these I'm kinda glad Maddie is such a mamas girl cause I need lots of love right now.

Enough Please!

I am thankful that we have anther hospital to choose from in Vancouver but My family has had too much experience with the new hospital. Yeasterday was trip three for the family number two for Maddie! Not only was it her second trip this year but it she also got her second cat-scan! I have come to the conclusion that there is a magnet in Maddie's little head and it is attracted to any hard surface!
Yeasterday before church Maddie and I were outside enjoying the nice weather. It was 11:30 Maddie needed to have lunch so we could go to church. She played outside while I got her lunch ready. I was in the kitchen tossing her little salad and thats when I heard it...a very large thump followed by cries. I ran to see what happened to find Maddie on the ground, under the chaise lounge, marks on the side of her head. I scooped her up called my mama who said "take her in". As I was gathering my bag and turning off the stove I noticed a large bruise in the middle of her forehead, that sent me over the edge. Once we got the the ER we waited 45 minutes and of course Maddie started running around the waiting room like nothing ever happened! Once we saw the doctor she said I had three options, take Maddie and watch her myself, get a cat-scan or stay there and they would watch her for a few hours. Since we are leaving in a few days for vacation and I know symptoms of a larger problem can show up a few days later I opted for the cat-scan. Of course Maddie screamed through the entire thing but luckly was a little champ and they didn't have to restrain her.
Today she is fine the redness is gone and she is left with a couple scratching and a nice bruise. As for that nice new hospital I have seem enough of their E.R and I hope to be done visiting them for a very long time!

An end in sight???

Today I took Maddie to see her G.I. specialist, Dr. Fridge. It was a fantastic visit! We learned that Maddie is growing and gaining weight like any healthy child should and she is doing well with half her medicine. She is doing so well that we do not have to go back to Dr. Fridge unless we can not get her completely off her medicine. If all goes well Maddie will be off her medicine and Reflux free by the end of the year, maybe even by her second birthday! It has been a long road but it looks like we have made it...I am so pleased with what a little trooper Maddie has been through all this.

Makes me smile

So a friend of mine posted this on facebook:

Here are my Top 10 Breastfeeding Slogans:
1. I breastfeed because I couldn't produce enough formula.
2. Breastmilk: Never Been Recalled.
3. I drink until I pass out.
4. If breastfeeding in public disturbs you, please feel free to put a blanket over your face.
5. My baby does not like to eat in the bathroom, do you?
6. Yes, I am still breastfeeding; get over it.
7. Formula-$10. Paci- $2. Breastfeeding - Priceless.
8. Don't be a weaner. Breastfeeding is for toddler's too!
9. When you feed your children in a bathroom, I will too.
10. Instant Happy Baby: Just add breastmilk.

My favorite of course is number 6! I never thought I would get to this place. Before Maddie was born I had all these ideas about how wonderful nursing was going to be and how much it would bond us together. Once Maddie was born the guilt set in...I hated nursing! I didn't feel the bonding from nursing that everyone else talked about I bonded with Maddie doing everything so nursing was nothing special. I was determined to continue nursing because it was best for her and all the recommendation say you should exclusively breastfeed to six months and continue to breastfeed for a year. Then Maddie got sick to the point that nursing was the only thing that comforted her. While I hated nursing her a billion times a day I wasn't getting the help from the medical community that I needed and it made her feel better so I did it. Somewhere along the way I realized that it isn't my favorite part of our relationship but it means so much to her and brings her comfort so I accepted it. People ask me about getting her on milk now that she is all most two. It has to be her choice I have offered it to her but she has no interest. Her GI doc said "good luck with that" I guess reflux babies never really take to milk. So we continue this relationship. It is far less frequent, 3 times at the most a day unless she isn't feeling well. I have come to not really care what others think...they do not know what it is like to walk the reflux line..it can be pure hell and if Maddie wants to nurse so be! It is what is best for her and I am confident that she will move beyond it when the time is right.

She's a Star once again

Every month I check out Earth Mama Angel Babies Newsletter and tonight I was pleasently suprised with one of Maddie's breastfeeding pictures! The photo was taken for me the day after the Earth Mama shoot as a favor because I regretted not getting breastfeeding shots during our newborn session. I emailed the picture to Earth Mama to thank them...without doing their shoot I never would have asked Laurie to take these photos. The Head Mama said water squirted out her nose when she saw the picture and asked if they could use it. I'm a very proud mama now they have used three of Maddie's pictures! If you want to check it out heres the link. Warning you will see a little of me but it is tastefully done. http://www.earthmamaangelbaby.com/newsletter/aug09/fullRetail.html

More trials coming my way

Over all I would say I have handled the loss of the baby pretty good. I of course have been grieving and have my moments where I melt. I have surprised myself though with the grace I have been able to handle it with. Not everyone has supported me or Donnie the way I would have liked but we are getting through this. And through this I have found some amazing people that care about me. Loosing this baby is one of the hardest things I have had to go through. And I don't know how to grieve for a child that most of the world doesn't acknowledge or give worth to. To help me with that end I have decided to see a counselor.
Since I lost the baby my body has not felt like my own. I attributed all the pain and weird feelings to stress. However, Monday night I learned it is not stress there is something wrong with my body. I went upstairs to lay down when I was having some pain under my right ribs. However by midnight I was in horrible pain. I called my mom to talk to her about it. She said let her know and she would come stay with Maddie if I wanted to go to the E.R. She told me to ask Donnie to run to the store and get me some Tums and let her know if we needed her. Donnie left for Safeway, which is not even a mile from our house. In the time her was gone I ended up in the fetal position, bawling, and begging for relief. the pain lightened up and when Donnie got back I felt all most normal I did however pop the max dose of tums...I was not going to go through that again. I told myself I would call the doctor in the morning and make an appointment sometime this week.
The next morning I picked my mom up (her car was in the shop) and took her to work. She informed me that I was calling the doctor and I was having surgery ASAP. I knew she was right but I didn't want to admit it. I called and asked to speak to an advice nurse. I wanted to make sure that if I did have to have surgery that I could go to Legacy to have it done. My doctor's office is owned by the other hospital in town and I have had nothing but problems at that hospital. She said that would be fine but I needed to get in right away to get a diagnoses.
An hour later I am at the doctors office and within the next hour I am told exactly what I didn't want ot hear "This is Gall Bladder until proven otherwise" My mother had hers out when she was about my age and her mom had hers out at about my age and we're pretty sure that my great grandma had hers out. So bright and early the next morning I went in for the Ultra Sound. It took three positions but the tech found what he was looking for. I'm waiting now to hear from the doctors.
I am terrified of surgery. I hate needles and all sharp instruments. I didn't have any drugs in delivery because I am so terrified of the needles they would use to give them to me. I do not want to go through this but I would rather do it now then wait until I do have a newborn and a toddler. I had problems with it after Maddie was born (not this bad) and then after the miscarriage it came back to life sooo much worse I don't want to take chances and see what the next pregnancy would bring.
I'm hoping to know by tomorrow afternoon. I really want to get it done and be up and running by the time we go to California. But that might be cutting it close.
I keep hoping, wishing that someone will come and tell me that since I'm giving up my Gall Bladder I can have my baby back. I don't think that will happen. In two weeks time I have learned that I lost my baby and I will be loosing an organ. I really don't care about loosing my Gall Bladder I just don't want to do it. It feels more like someone is kicking me when I am all ready down. I think I have been fighting the surgery (my poor family and friends have had to listening to a lot of whining) because I didn't have a choice or any control over loosing my baby. I haven't even gotten back to a normal mindset and now I have deal with this? Every once in a while I will say or think something that a pregnant woman would. Apparently my brain hasn't gotten the memo...no baby here!
It's apparent from this blog that I am REALLY not over this loss. Once I mentioned it I couldn't stop talking about it. I think I have been bottling it up and trying to pretend to be ok because everyone else is...whats wrong with me? Whats wrong with me is this was MY baby! My baby that I was all ready sacrificing for, the baby I couldn't wait to meet, I couldn't wait to hear it's heartbeat, to see its sweet face and kiss it's chubby cheeks (which we know it would have!) It is so unfair that there are so many unfit parents in the world and they get to keep their babies. Women who smoke and drink all through their pregnancies and not only do they get to keep their babies a lot of times they are healthy babies! I have been holding that thought in for days! I do not mean ill will to anyone and by no means do I want anyone to go through what I have I just want my baby back and a healthy Gall Bladder would be ok. When people found out I was pregnant they asked me if I preferred a girl or boy my response was "I don't even care as long as it is healthy" I guess I have to change that response for next time "I don't care as long as it holds on in there for dear life until it is time for them to be born"
Enough with my pity party. that is where I am at. It may not be pretty but its life for me right now.

Learning and Growing

I haven't been very good at updating our blog lately so I thought I would do a fun one. We have been busy teaching Maddie all kinds of fun things but it's the things she learns on her own that crack us up. Heres a few examples of what she has taught herself....

How to work on the computer at the desk!



She has a nack for gardening! Nana started her young!



She learned on her own not only how to steal my chair but to kick me out of it!


Teaching herself how to make a yummy snack:)



This is my favorite! She learned how to kick back on the loveseat and have control of the remote!

A little bit of closure

Last night I decided that I wanted to plant something in memory of this baby. Donnie thought it was a good idea and when I woke up this morning I thought maybe that decision had helped me. Then I got on facebook and someone had posted their 13 week ultrasound pictures and I started to cry. Donnie came downstairs ready for work and I got nervous...all of a sudden I was afraid to go to my follow up appointment by myself. Donnie left for work and kept busy for the next hour while I waited for my mom to come and stay with Maddie. Then it was off to my appointment. I cried a little on the way but by time I made it there I had pulled it together. I walked through the parking garage no problems but as soon as I stepped through the doors to the sky bridge I lost it. Once again I pulled myself together and walked through the lobby to the hall. When I got to the door of the office I could see a woman sitting there with her mom and her newborn baby, but I kept it together. I waited for the receptionist to finish with the very pregnant woman and when she asked me how she could help the tears started. I told her I was sorry and that I didn't know it was going to be so hard. She said is for most woman going through what I was. She gave me the large yellow envelope Donnie had called and asked for and had me take a seat. So there I sat in the corner with the only baby pictures I will ever have of this child. I cried. When the nurse came to get me you could see she was sorry for me. She took a few vitals and then I sat alone. I could hear my doctor talking the room next door about a woman's pap...that I could handle. It was when he went to the next room and I could hear them listening to a baby's heartbeat and I cried again. Finally it was my turn. He assured me I did nothing wrong and that in a few months we could try again. I was thankful that I didn't need another exam or anymore blood work. I left his office, walked to my car, and bawled. I just sat there and let it out and it felt so good. As I got closer to home I realized that I felt like now that this appointment was behind me I could start to think about moving forward. I know that once the pain stops and all the physical reminders are behind me I will feel even better.

The last few days have been so hard but my amazing family has been wonderful. First of all Miss Maddie. Yesterday she kept coming up and hugging my leg. You could tell she knew something was wrong and she just wanted her Mommy to be happy again. Every time I start to cry she is there being funny and cute and I can't stay sad. She is the best therapy! I am so thankful that I have been blessed with such an amazing little girl. I have been thanking Heavenly Father day and night for this joy in my life. My mother has watched Maddie for me and been an ear for me. She has given me the spiritual insigth and strength. She has given me permission to grieve and be sad but also to move on...I need that. And my wonderful husband...the man that through this has reminded me why I love him so much. He has held my hand and held me, he has made jokes with me when I need it and most importantly he has listened to me without trying to fix anything. He has been so sweet, so nurturing and tender. He has made it all about me the last few days. I am so thankful for him and for his love. I am so lucky to have this family to know that I can count on them to be there for me. I have also been blessed with friends who have been reaching out to me with their apologies and offering to bring my family meals. I know I still have healing to do but I am feeling hopeful and I know I can get there with all the support and love I have.

The end of this journey

We were waiting to post that we were expecting our second on here. Sadly we have to announce that we lost the baby yesterday. I had been having cramping since the weekend of the fourth but since there was no spotting or bleeding the doctors wouldn't see me. Last Friday the spotting started, the cramping gone. I called my OBs office and the doctor on call advised me to get in for an Ultra-sound on Monday (also my appointment with the nurse) They got us in and we got our first and only glimpse of the precious little one. I could even see the flicker of it's heart. They said everything looked good but that it was not measuring appropriately for their dating (for my dating I was right on track) They scheduled me for a follow-up ultra-sound next Tuesday. I came home and took it easy like the suggested. Weds. morning I was having heavier bleeding. Again I called the office and this time spoke to the nurse. she put me on the caution list and advised me if my bleeding increased to go the the ER right away. At this point I really wanted a blessing so I asked Donnie to please call Elder Nelson and see if he could come give me one. He came right away. It was a wonderful blessing and brought me much peace. As soon as the Elders left I went to the bathroom to check my bleeding it was then I think I lost the baby. I told Donnie to get Maddie we were going to the hospital. I called my mom who was on her way to pick something up and she said she would stay with Maddie. Donnie and I left for the ER as soon as she arrived. We walked in and the lady at the desk asked how she could help. I couldn't speak I knew if I tried to say anything the flood gates would open and I would be making a scene. Donnie finally spoke up telling her that we were afraid I had miscarried. She was very kind and got me checked in. We waited for about 3 minutes before the nurse came to take us back. The doctor came and spoke to us and explained that he wanted to do a pelvic exam, ultrasound, and blood work. I have never had such an uncomfortable exam in my life. I was loosing so much blood they had to suction me...I did try to convince them to use that blood for my blood work but they wouldn't. The doctor discovered that my cervix was open and if I hadn't lost the baby yet I was going to. The nurse tried to do my blood work failing horribly she finally gave up and let them take me to get my ultrasound. While they were doing the first scan I could see that the baby was gone but I during the second scan I asked and she said it was gone. She said she wasn't suppose to tell me but couldn't leave me wondering. I told her I appreciated it. They finally got my blood work done and the labs back. The doctor said my hormones level indicate that there should be a "something" in the uterus but they sound nothing that I had lost the baby.
I didn't sleep well, I've cried off and on all day, my body hurts and I am still bleeding. The outpouring of love and support from our friends has been wonderful...people I didn't even expect to hear from have come forward.
I know Heavenly Father has a plan and I know we will be blessed again. It is just so hard right now to look to the future. It doesn't matter that no one else knew this child. I knew it, I loved it and I want it sooo bad. It saddens me that to most of the world this special child didn't exist. It kills me that my child was flushed down a toilet. I'm not sure what to do now, I'm trying to plan for the future, I'm trying to get on board with Donnie to keep working on getting the next baby's room finished but I'm stuck. I can't even bring myself to remove my hospital bracelet because that's all I have left of this child. I don't want to let go but I need to move forward for myself and my family. Donnie has been amazing! He called today and asked for copies of the ultrasound pictures from Monday so that I will have something to remember this child.
I think I knew from the start of this pregnancy this was going to happen. I felt on edge the whole time. I was upset no one was helping me when I called about the cramping. I made comments like I was going to loose this baby. I just knew in my heart it wasn't to be I just wish I knew why. I am thankful that Heavenly Father impressed me to drop my class, there is no way I could have finished it under these conditions. I think once the physical pain stops it will be a little easier to work through the emotional. I pray that comes quickly.

Can you believ this??

I haven't posted a blog in forever and instead of an update on Maddie I'm blogging about my shopping. It is unbelievable!! I got all this for $1.00

What could be better than that?? Getting all this for .50!!

I love coupons!

A day at Nana's

Earlier this week we spent the day at my mom's house. My mom recently got a new deck and Maddie loves it! She loves to play in Nana's backyard and when we try to take her in she cries. I got a couple pictures of her enjoying the step on the new deck!


Chillin on the step


For dinner Nana made spaghetti! Maddie loves spaghetti!

Fun day with friends

Last month our playgroup had a field trip to the local gymnastics studio. Maddie really enjoyed some parts of it. She is not so crazy about trampolines! But climbing, swinging and playing ball are all great activities!

Playing ball with our friend Isabelle and her mommy.

Swinging with Gracie and Isabelle!

Sitting on the parachute!

Climbing the stairs to the slide!

After all that fun we went to lunch with some of our friends and then it was time for the park!

Soaking in the sun on the swing!

Checking out the tunnel.

Gracie, River and Maddie make a break for it!

So Cute But So Sad

This afternoon I asked Donnie to change Maddie's diaper. So he took her up to her room and when they came back downstairs Maddie had her nighttime medicine in one hand and the syringe in the other. I asked why she had her medicine and Donnie told me to watch her. She proceeded to flip the cap back and try to put the syringe into the opening. She then put the syringe in her mouth. Donnie is right it is cute but at the moment I saw this my heart broke a little. No little girl should be so use to taking meds that she can just about give them to herself.