A little bit of closure

Last night I decided that I wanted to plant something in memory of this baby. Donnie thought it was a good idea and when I woke up this morning I thought maybe that decision had helped me. Then I got on facebook and someone had posted their 13 week ultrasound pictures and I started to cry. Donnie came downstairs ready for work and I got nervous...all of a sudden I was afraid to go to my follow up appointment by myself. Donnie left for work and kept busy for the next hour while I waited for my mom to come and stay with Maddie. Then it was off to my appointment. I cried a little on the way but by time I made it there I had pulled it together. I walked through the parking garage no problems but as soon as I stepped through the doors to the sky bridge I lost it. Once again I pulled myself together and walked through the lobby to the hall. When I got to the door of the office I could see a woman sitting there with her mom and her newborn baby, but I kept it together. I waited for the receptionist to finish with the very pregnant woman and when she asked me how she could help the tears started. I told her I was sorry and that I didn't know it was going to be so hard. She said is for most woman going through what I was. She gave me the large yellow envelope Donnie had called and asked for and had me take a seat. So there I sat in the corner with the only baby pictures I will ever have of this child. I cried. When the nurse came to get me you could see she was sorry for me. She took a few vitals and then I sat alone. I could hear my doctor talking the room next door about a woman's pap...that I could handle. It was when he went to the next room and I could hear them listening to a baby's heartbeat and I cried again. Finally it was my turn. He assured me I did nothing wrong and that in a few months we could try again. I was thankful that I didn't need another exam or anymore blood work. I left his office, walked to my car, and bawled. I just sat there and let it out and it felt so good. As I got closer to home I realized that I felt like now that this appointment was behind me I could start to think about moving forward. I know that once the pain stops and all the physical reminders are behind me I will feel even better.

The last few days have been so hard but my amazing family has been wonderful. First of all Miss Maddie. Yesterday she kept coming up and hugging my leg. You could tell she knew something was wrong and she just wanted her Mommy to be happy again. Every time I start to cry she is there being funny and cute and I can't stay sad. She is the best therapy! I am so thankful that I have been blessed with such an amazing little girl. I have been thanking Heavenly Father day and night for this joy in my life. My mother has watched Maddie for me and been an ear for me. She has given me the spiritual insigth and strength. She has given me permission to grieve and be sad but also to move on...I need that. And my wonderful husband...the man that through this has reminded me why I love him so much. He has held my hand and held me, he has made jokes with me when I need it and most importantly he has listened to me without trying to fix anything. He has been so sweet, so nurturing and tender. He has made it all about me the last few days. I am so thankful for him and for his love. I am so lucky to have this family to know that I can count on them to be there for me. I have also been blessed with friends who have been reaching out to me with their apologies and offering to bring my family meals. I know I still have healing to do but I am feeling hopeful and I know I can get there with all the support and love I have.