More trials coming my way

Over all I would say I have handled the loss of the baby pretty good. I of course have been grieving and have my moments where I melt. I have surprised myself though with the grace I have been able to handle it with. Not everyone has supported me or Donnie the way I would have liked but we are getting through this. And through this I have found some amazing people that care about me. Loosing this baby is one of the hardest things I have had to go through. And I don't know how to grieve for a child that most of the world doesn't acknowledge or give worth to. To help me with that end I have decided to see a counselor.
Since I lost the baby my body has not felt like my own. I attributed all the pain and weird feelings to stress. However, Monday night I learned it is not stress there is something wrong with my body. I went upstairs to lay down when I was having some pain under my right ribs. However by midnight I was in horrible pain. I called my mom to talk to her about it. She said let her know and she would come stay with Maddie if I wanted to go to the E.R. She told me to ask Donnie to run to the store and get me some Tums and let her know if we needed her. Donnie left for Safeway, which is not even a mile from our house. In the time her was gone I ended up in the fetal position, bawling, and begging for relief. the pain lightened up and when Donnie got back I felt all most normal I did however pop the max dose of tums...I was not going to go through that again. I told myself I would call the doctor in the morning and make an appointment sometime this week.
The next morning I picked my mom up (her car was in the shop) and took her to work. She informed me that I was calling the doctor and I was having surgery ASAP. I knew she was right but I didn't want to admit it. I called and asked to speak to an advice nurse. I wanted to make sure that if I did have to have surgery that I could go to Legacy to have it done. My doctor's office is owned by the other hospital in town and I have had nothing but problems at that hospital. She said that would be fine but I needed to get in right away to get a diagnoses.
An hour later I am at the doctors office and within the next hour I am told exactly what I didn't want ot hear "This is Gall Bladder until proven otherwise" My mother had hers out when she was about my age and her mom had hers out at about my age and we're pretty sure that my great grandma had hers out. So bright and early the next morning I went in for the Ultra Sound. It took three positions but the tech found what he was looking for. I'm waiting now to hear from the doctors.
I am terrified of surgery. I hate needles and all sharp instruments. I didn't have any drugs in delivery because I am so terrified of the needles they would use to give them to me. I do not want to go through this but I would rather do it now then wait until I do have a newborn and a toddler. I had problems with it after Maddie was born (not this bad) and then after the miscarriage it came back to life sooo much worse I don't want to take chances and see what the next pregnancy would bring.
I'm hoping to know by tomorrow afternoon. I really want to get it done and be up and running by the time we go to California. But that might be cutting it close.
I keep hoping, wishing that someone will come and tell me that since I'm giving up my Gall Bladder I can have my baby back. I don't think that will happen. In two weeks time I have learned that I lost my baby and I will be loosing an organ. I really don't care about loosing my Gall Bladder I just don't want to do it. It feels more like someone is kicking me when I am all ready down. I think I have been fighting the surgery (my poor family and friends have had to listening to a lot of whining) because I didn't have a choice or any control over loosing my baby. I haven't even gotten back to a normal mindset and now I have deal with this? Every once in a while I will say or think something that a pregnant woman would. Apparently my brain hasn't gotten the memo...no baby here!
It's apparent from this blog that I am REALLY not over this loss. Once I mentioned it I couldn't stop talking about it. I think I have been bottling it up and trying to pretend to be ok because everyone else is...whats wrong with me? Whats wrong with me is this was MY baby! My baby that I was all ready sacrificing for, the baby I couldn't wait to meet, I couldn't wait to hear it's heartbeat, to see its sweet face and kiss it's chubby cheeks (which we know it would have!) It is so unfair that there are so many unfit parents in the world and they get to keep their babies. Women who smoke and drink all through their pregnancies and not only do they get to keep their babies a lot of times they are healthy babies! I have been holding that thought in for days! I do not mean ill will to anyone and by no means do I want anyone to go through what I have I just want my baby back and a healthy Gall Bladder would be ok. When people found out I was pregnant they asked me if I preferred a girl or boy my response was "I don't even care as long as it is healthy" I guess I have to change that response for next time "I don't care as long as it holds on in there for dear life until it is time for them to be born"
Enough with my pity party. that is where I am at. It may not be pretty but its life for me right now.