The end of this journey

We were waiting to post that we were expecting our second on here. Sadly we have to announce that we lost the baby yesterday. I had been having cramping since the weekend of the fourth but since there was no spotting or bleeding the doctors wouldn't see me. Last Friday the spotting started, the cramping gone. I called my OBs office and the doctor on call advised me to get in for an Ultra-sound on Monday (also my appointment with the nurse) They got us in and we got our first and only glimpse of the precious little one. I could even see the flicker of it's heart. They said everything looked good but that it was not measuring appropriately for their dating (for my dating I was right on track) They scheduled me for a follow-up ultra-sound next Tuesday. I came home and took it easy like the suggested. Weds. morning I was having heavier bleeding. Again I called the office and this time spoke to the nurse. she put me on the caution list and advised me if my bleeding increased to go the the ER right away. At this point I really wanted a blessing so I asked Donnie to please call Elder Nelson and see if he could come give me one. He came right away. It was a wonderful blessing and brought me much peace. As soon as the Elders left I went to the bathroom to check my bleeding it was then I think I lost the baby. I told Donnie to get Maddie we were going to the hospital. I called my mom who was on her way to pick something up and she said she would stay with Maddie. Donnie and I left for the ER as soon as she arrived. We walked in and the lady at the desk asked how she could help. I couldn't speak I knew if I tried to say anything the flood gates would open and I would be making a scene. Donnie finally spoke up telling her that we were afraid I had miscarried. She was very kind and got me checked in. We waited for about 3 minutes before the nurse came to take us back. The doctor came and spoke to us and explained that he wanted to do a pelvic exam, ultrasound, and blood work. I have never had such an uncomfortable exam in my life. I was loosing so much blood they had to suction me...I did try to convince them to use that blood for my blood work but they wouldn't. The doctor discovered that my cervix was open and if I hadn't lost the baby yet I was going to. The nurse tried to do my blood work failing horribly she finally gave up and let them take me to get my ultrasound. While they were doing the first scan I could see that the baby was gone but I during the second scan I asked and she said it was gone. She said she wasn't suppose to tell me but couldn't leave me wondering. I told her I appreciated it. They finally got my blood work done and the labs back. The doctor said my hormones level indicate that there should be a "something" in the uterus but they sound nothing that I had lost the baby.
I didn't sleep well, I've cried off and on all day, my body hurts and I am still bleeding. The outpouring of love and support from our friends has been wonderful...people I didn't even expect to hear from have come forward.
I know Heavenly Father has a plan and I know we will be blessed again. It is just so hard right now to look to the future. It doesn't matter that no one else knew this child. I knew it, I loved it and I want it sooo bad. It saddens me that to most of the world this special child didn't exist. It kills me that my child was flushed down a toilet. I'm not sure what to do now, I'm trying to plan for the future, I'm trying to get on board with Donnie to keep working on getting the next baby's room finished but I'm stuck. I can't even bring myself to remove my hospital bracelet because that's all I have left of this child. I don't want to let go but I need to move forward for myself and my family. Donnie has been amazing! He called today and asked for copies of the ultrasound pictures from Monday so that I will have something to remember this child.
I think I knew from the start of this pregnancy this was going to happen. I felt on edge the whole time. I was upset no one was helping me when I called about the cramping. I made comments like I was going to loose this baby. I just knew in my heart it wasn't to be I just wish I knew why. I am thankful that Heavenly Father impressed me to drop my class, there is no way I could have finished it under these conditions. I think once the physical pain stops it will be a little easier to work through the emotional. I pray that comes quickly.