A little bit of closure

Last night I decided that I wanted to plant something in memory of this baby. Donnie thought it was a good idea and when I woke up this morning I thought maybe that decision had helped me. Then I got on facebook and someone had posted their 13 week ultrasound pictures and I started to cry. Donnie came downstairs ready for work and I got nervous...all of a sudden I was afraid to go to my follow up appointment by myself. Donnie left for work and kept busy for the next hour while I waited for my mom to come and stay with Maddie. Then it was off to my appointment. I cried a little on the way but by time I made it there I had pulled it together. I walked through the parking garage no problems but as soon as I stepped through the doors to the sky bridge I lost it. Once again I pulled myself together and walked through the lobby to the hall. When I got to the door of the office I could see a woman sitting there with her mom and her newborn baby, but I kept it together. I waited for the receptionist to finish with the very pregnant woman and when she asked me how she could help the tears started. I told her I was sorry and that I didn't know it was going to be so hard. She said is for most woman going through what I was. She gave me the large yellow envelope Donnie had called and asked for and had me take a seat. So there I sat in the corner with the only baby pictures I will ever have of this child. I cried. When the nurse came to get me you could see she was sorry for me. She took a few vitals and then I sat alone. I could hear my doctor talking the room next door about a woman's pap...that I could handle. It was when he went to the next room and I could hear them listening to a baby's heartbeat and I cried again. Finally it was my turn. He assured me I did nothing wrong and that in a few months we could try again. I was thankful that I didn't need another exam or anymore blood work. I left his office, walked to my car, and bawled. I just sat there and let it out and it felt so good. As I got closer to home I realized that I felt like now that this appointment was behind me I could start to think about moving forward. I know that once the pain stops and all the physical reminders are behind me I will feel even better.

The last few days have been so hard but my amazing family has been wonderful. First of all Miss Maddie. Yesterday she kept coming up and hugging my leg. You could tell she knew something was wrong and she just wanted her Mommy to be happy again. Every time I start to cry she is there being funny and cute and I can't stay sad. She is the best therapy! I am so thankful that I have been blessed with such an amazing little girl. I have been thanking Heavenly Father day and night for this joy in my life. My mother has watched Maddie for me and been an ear for me. She has given me the spiritual insigth and strength. She has given me permission to grieve and be sad but also to move on...I need that. And my wonderful husband...the man that through this has reminded me why I love him so much. He has held my hand and held me, he has made jokes with me when I need it and most importantly he has listened to me without trying to fix anything. He has been so sweet, so nurturing and tender. He has made it all about me the last few days. I am so thankful for him and for his love. I am so lucky to have this family to know that I can count on them to be there for me. I have also been blessed with friends who have been reaching out to me with their apologies and offering to bring my family meals. I know I still have healing to do but I am feeling hopeful and I know I can get there with all the support and love I have.

The end of this journey

We were waiting to post that we were expecting our second on here. Sadly we have to announce that we lost the baby yesterday. I had been having cramping since the weekend of the fourth but since there was no spotting or bleeding the doctors wouldn't see me. Last Friday the spotting started, the cramping gone. I called my OBs office and the doctor on call advised me to get in for an Ultra-sound on Monday (also my appointment with the nurse) They got us in and we got our first and only glimpse of the precious little one. I could even see the flicker of it's heart. They said everything looked good but that it was not measuring appropriately for their dating (for my dating I was right on track) They scheduled me for a follow-up ultra-sound next Tuesday. I came home and took it easy like the suggested. Weds. morning I was having heavier bleeding. Again I called the office and this time spoke to the nurse. she put me on the caution list and advised me if my bleeding increased to go the the ER right away. At this point I really wanted a blessing so I asked Donnie to please call Elder Nelson and see if he could come give me one. He came right away. It was a wonderful blessing and brought me much peace. As soon as the Elders left I went to the bathroom to check my bleeding it was then I think I lost the baby. I told Donnie to get Maddie we were going to the hospital. I called my mom who was on her way to pick something up and she said she would stay with Maddie. Donnie and I left for the ER as soon as she arrived. We walked in and the lady at the desk asked how she could help. I couldn't speak I knew if I tried to say anything the flood gates would open and I would be making a scene. Donnie finally spoke up telling her that we were afraid I had miscarried. She was very kind and got me checked in. We waited for about 3 minutes before the nurse came to take us back. The doctor came and spoke to us and explained that he wanted to do a pelvic exam, ultrasound, and blood work. I have never had such an uncomfortable exam in my life. I was loosing so much blood they had to suction me...I did try to convince them to use that blood for my blood work but they wouldn't. The doctor discovered that my cervix was open and if I hadn't lost the baby yet I was going to. The nurse tried to do my blood work failing horribly she finally gave up and let them take me to get my ultrasound. While they were doing the first scan I could see that the baby was gone but I during the second scan I asked and she said it was gone. She said she wasn't suppose to tell me but couldn't leave me wondering. I told her I appreciated it. They finally got my blood work done and the labs back. The doctor said my hormones level indicate that there should be a "something" in the uterus but they sound nothing that I had lost the baby.
I didn't sleep well, I've cried off and on all day, my body hurts and I am still bleeding. The outpouring of love and support from our friends has been wonderful...people I didn't even expect to hear from have come forward.
I know Heavenly Father has a plan and I know we will be blessed again. It is just so hard right now to look to the future. It doesn't matter that no one else knew this child. I knew it, I loved it and I want it sooo bad. It saddens me that to most of the world this special child didn't exist. It kills me that my child was flushed down a toilet. I'm not sure what to do now, I'm trying to plan for the future, I'm trying to get on board with Donnie to keep working on getting the next baby's room finished but I'm stuck. I can't even bring myself to remove my hospital bracelet because that's all I have left of this child. I don't want to let go but I need to move forward for myself and my family. Donnie has been amazing! He called today and asked for copies of the ultrasound pictures from Monday so that I will have something to remember this child.
I think I knew from the start of this pregnancy this was going to happen. I felt on edge the whole time. I was upset no one was helping me when I called about the cramping. I made comments like I was going to loose this baby. I just knew in my heart it wasn't to be I just wish I knew why. I am thankful that Heavenly Father impressed me to drop my class, there is no way I could have finished it under these conditions. I think once the physical pain stops it will be a little easier to work through the emotional. I pray that comes quickly.