So a friend of mine posted this on facebook:
Here are my Top 10 Breastfeeding Slogans:
1. I breastfeed because I couldn't produce enough formula.
2. Breastmilk: Never Been Recalled.
3. I drink until I pass out.
4. If breastfeeding in public disturbs you, please feel free to put a blanket over your face.
5. My baby does not like to eat in the bathroom, do you?
6. Yes, I am still breastfeeding; get over it.
7. Formula-$10. Paci- $2. Breastfeeding - Priceless.
8. Don't be a weaner. Breastfeeding is for toddler's too!
9. When you feed your children in a bathroom, I will too.
10. Instant Happy Baby: Just add breastmilk.
My favorite of course is number 6! I never thought I would get to this place. Before Maddie was born I had all these ideas about how wonderful nursing was going to be and how much it would bond us together. Once Maddie was born the guilt set in...I hated nursing! I didn't feel the bonding from nursing that everyone else talked about I bonded with Maddie doing everything so nursing was nothing special. I was determined to continue nursing because it was best for her and all the recommendation say you should exclusively breastfeed to six months and continue to breastfeed for a year. Then Maddie got sick to the point that nursing was the only thing that comforted her. While I hated nursing her a billion times a day I wasn't getting the help from the medical community that I needed and it made her feel better so I did it. Somewhere along the way I realized that it isn't my favorite part of our relationship but it means so much to her and brings her comfort so I accepted it. People ask me about getting her on milk now that she is all most two. It has to be her choice I have offered it to her but she has no interest. Her GI doc said "good luck with that" I guess reflux babies never really take to milk. So we continue this relationship. It is far less frequent, 3 times at the most a day unless she isn't feeling well. I have come to not really care what others think...they do not know what it is like to walk the reflux line..it can be pure hell and if Maddie wants to nurse so be! It is what is best for her and I am confident that she will move beyond it when the time is right.
Saturday, August 22, 2009
Friday, August 14, 2009
She's a Star once again
Every month I check out Earth Mama Angel Babies Newsletter and tonight I was pleasently suprised with one of Maddie's breastfeeding pictures! The photo was taken for me the day after the Earth Mama shoot as a favor because I regretted not getting breastfeeding shots during our newborn session. I emailed the picture to Earth Mama to thank them...without doing their shoot I never would have asked Laurie to take these photos. The Head Mama said water squirted out her nose when she saw the picture and asked if they could use it. I'm a very proud mama now they have used three of Maddie's pictures! If you want to check it out heres the link. Warning you will see a little of me but it is tastefully done. http://www.earthmamaangelbaby.com/newsletter/aug09/fullRetail.html
Thursday, August 6, 2009
More trials coming my way
Over all I would say I have handled the loss of the baby pretty good. I of course have been grieving and have my moments where I melt. I have surprised myself though with the grace I have been able to handle it with. Not everyone has supported me or Donnie the way I would have liked but we are getting through this. And through this I have found some amazing people that care about me. Loosing this baby is one of the hardest things I have had to go through. And I don't know how to grieve for a child that most of the world doesn't acknowledge or give worth to. To help me with that end I have decided to see a counselor.
Since I lost the baby my body has not felt like my own. I attributed all the pain and weird feelings to stress. However, Monday night I learned it is not stress there is something wrong with my body. I went upstairs to lay down when I was having some pain under my right ribs. However by midnight I was in horrible pain. I called my mom to talk to her about it. She said let her know and she would come stay with Maddie if I wanted to go to the E.R. She told me to ask Donnie to run to the store and get me some Tums and let her know if we needed her. Donnie left for Safeway, which is not even a mile from our house. In the time her was gone I ended up in the fetal position, bawling, and begging for relief. the pain lightened up and when Donnie got back I felt all most normal I did however pop the max dose of tums...I was not going to go through that again. I told myself I would call the doctor in the morning and make an appointment sometime this week.
The next morning I picked my mom up (her car was in the shop) and took her to work. She informed me that I was calling the doctor and I was having surgery ASAP. I knew she was right but I didn't want to admit it. I called and asked to speak to an advice nurse. I wanted to make sure that if I did have to have surgery that I could go to Legacy to have it done. My doctor's office is owned by the other hospital in town and I have had nothing but problems at that hospital. She said that would be fine but I needed to get in right away to get a diagnoses.
An hour later I am at the doctors office and within the next hour I am told exactly what I didn't want ot hear "This is Gall Bladder until proven otherwise" My mother had hers out when she was about my age and her mom had hers out at about my age and we're pretty sure that my great grandma had hers out. So bright and early the next morning I went in for the Ultra Sound. It took three positions but the tech found what he was looking for. I'm waiting now to hear from the doctors.
I am terrified of surgery. I hate needles and all sharp instruments. I didn't have any drugs in delivery because I am so terrified of the needles they would use to give them to me. I do not want to go through this but I would rather do it now then wait until I do have a newborn and a toddler. I had problems with it after Maddie was born (not this bad) and then after the miscarriage it came back to life sooo much worse I don't want to take chances and see what the next pregnancy would bring.
I'm hoping to know by tomorrow afternoon. I really want to get it done and be up and running by the time we go to California. But that might be cutting it close.
I keep hoping, wishing that someone will come and tell me that since I'm giving up my Gall Bladder I can have my baby back. I don't think that will happen. In two weeks time I have learned that I lost my baby and I will be loosing an organ. I really don't care about loosing my Gall Bladder I just don't want to do it. It feels more like someone is kicking me when I am all ready down. I think I have been fighting the surgery (my poor family and friends have had to listening to a lot of whining) because I didn't have a choice or any control over loosing my baby. I haven't even gotten back to a normal mindset and now I have deal with this? Every once in a while I will say or think something that a pregnant woman would. Apparently my brain hasn't gotten the memo...no baby here!
It's apparent from this blog that I am REALLY not over this loss. Once I mentioned it I couldn't stop talking about it. I think I have been bottling it up and trying to pretend to be ok because everyone else is...whats wrong with me? Whats wrong with me is this was MY baby! My baby that I was all ready sacrificing for, the baby I couldn't wait to meet, I couldn't wait to hear it's heartbeat, to see its sweet face and kiss it's chubby cheeks (which we know it would have!) It is so unfair that there are so many unfit parents in the world and they get to keep their babies. Women who smoke and drink all through their pregnancies and not only do they get to keep their babies a lot of times they are healthy babies! I have been holding that thought in for days! I do not mean ill will to anyone and by no means do I want anyone to go through what I have I just want my baby back and a healthy Gall Bladder would be ok. When people found out I was pregnant they asked me if I preferred a girl or boy my response was "I don't even care as long as it is healthy" I guess I have to change that response for next time "I don't care as long as it holds on in there for dear life until it is time for them to be born"
Enough with my pity party. that is where I am at. It may not be pretty but its life for me right now.
Since I lost the baby my body has not felt like my own. I attributed all the pain and weird feelings to stress. However, Monday night I learned it is not stress there is something wrong with my body. I went upstairs to lay down when I was having some pain under my right ribs. However by midnight I was in horrible pain. I called my mom to talk to her about it. She said let her know and she would come stay with Maddie if I wanted to go to the E.R. She told me to ask Donnie to run to the store and get me some Tums and let her know if we needed her. Donnie left for Safeway, which is not even a mile from our house. In the time her was gone I ended up in the fetal position, bawling, and begging for relief. the pain lightened up and when Donnie got back I felt all most normal I did however pop the max dose of tums...I was not going to go through that again. I told myself I would call the doctor in the morning and make an appointment sometime this week.
The next morning I picked my mom up (her car was in the shop) and took her to work. She informed me that I was calling the doctor and I was having surgery ASAP. I knew she was right but I didn't want to admit it. I called and asked to speak to an advice nurse. I wanted to make sure that if I did have to have surgery that I could go to Legacy to have it done. My doctor's office is owned by the other hospital in town and I have had nothing but problems at that hospital. She said that would be fine but I needed to get in right away to get a diagnoses.
An hour later I am at the doctors office and within the next hour I am told exactly what I didn't want ot hear "This is Gall Bladder until proven otherwise" My mother had hers out when she was about my age and her mom had hers out at about my age and we're pretty sure that my great grandma had hers out. So bright and early the next morning I went in for the Ultra Sound. It took three positions but the tech found what he was looking for. I'm waiting now to hear from the doctors.
I am terrified of surgery. I hate needles and all sharp instruments. I didn't have any drugs in delivery because I am so terrified of the needles they would use to give them to me. I do not want to go through this but I would rather do it now then wait until I do have a newborn and a toddler. I had problems with it after Maddie was born (not this bad) and then after the miscarriage it came back to life sooo much worse I don't want to take chances and see what the next pregnancy would bring.
I'm hoping to know by tomorrow afternoon. I really want to get it done and be up and running by the time we go to California. But that might be cutting it close.
I keep hoping, wishing that someone will come and tell me that since I'm giving up my Gall Bladder I can have my baby back. I don't think that will happen. In two weeks time I have learned that I lost my baby and I will be loosing an organ. I really don't care about loosing my Gall Bladder I just don't want to do it. It feels more like someone is kicking me when I am all ready down. I think I have been fighting the surgery (my poor family and friends have had to listening to a lot of whining) because I didn't have a choice or any control over loosing my baby. I haven't even gotten back to a normal mindset and now I have deal with this? Every once in a while I will say or think something that a pregnant woman would. Apparently my brain hasn't gotten the memo...no baby here!
It's apparent from this blog that I am REALLY not over this loss. Once I mentioned it I couldn't stop talking about it. I think I have been bottling it up and trying to pretend to be ok because everyone else is...whats wrong with me? Whats wrong with me is this was MY baby! My baby that I was all ready sacrificing for, the baby I couldn't wait to meet, I couldn't wait to hear it's heartbeat, to see its sweet face and kiss it's chubby cheeks (which we know it would have!) It is so unfair that there are so many unfit parents in the world and they get to keep their babies. Women who smoke and drink all through their pregnancies and not only do they get to keep their babies a lot of times they are healthy babies! I have been holding that thought in for days! I do not mean ill will to anyone and by no means do I want anyone to go through what I have I just want my baby back and a healthy Gall Bladder would be ok. When people found out I was pregnant they asked me if I preferred a girl or boy my response was "I don't even care as long as it is healthy" I guess I have to change that response for next time "I don't care as long as it holds on in there for dear life until it is time for them to be born"
Enough with my pity party. that is where I am at. It may not be pretty but its life for me right now.
Learning and Growing
I haven't been very good at updating our blog lately so I thought I would do a fun one. We have been busy teaching Maddie all kinds of fun things but it's the things she learns on her own that crack us up. Heres a few examples of what she has taught herself....
How to work on the computer at the desk!
She has a nack for gardening! Nana started her young!
She learned on her own not only how to steal my chair but to kick me out of it!
Teaching herself how to make a yummy snack:)
This is my favorite! She learned how to kick back on the loveseat and have control of the remote!
How to work on the computer at the desk!
She has a nack for gardening! Nana started her young!
She learned on her own not only how to steal my chair but to kick me out of it!
Teaching herself how to make a yummy snack:)
This is my favorite! She learned how to kick back on the loveseat and have control of the remote!
Friday, July 24, 2009
A little bit of closure
Last night I decided that I wanted to plant something in memory of this baby. Donnie thought it was a good idea and when I woke up this morning I thought maybe that decision had helped me. Then I got on facebook and someone had posted their 13 week ultrasound pictures and I started to cry. Donnie came downstairs ready for work and I got nervous...all of a sudden I was afraid to go to my follow up appointment by myself. Donnie left for work and kept busy for the next hour while I waited for my mom to come and stay with Maddie. Then it was off to my appointment. I cried a little on the way but by time I made it there I had pulled it together. I walked through the parking garage no problems but as soon as I stepped through the doors to the sky bridge I lost it. Once again I pulled myself together and walked through the lobby to the hall. When I got to the door of the office I could see a woman sitting there with her mom and her newborn baby, but I kept it together. I waited for the receptionist to finish with the very pregnant woman and when she asked me how she could help the tears started. I told her I was sorry and that I didn't know it was going to be so hard. She said is for most woman going through what I was. She gave me the large yellow envelope Donnie had called and asked for and had me take a seat. So there I sat in the corner with the only baby pictures I will ever have of this child. I cried. When the nurse came to get me you could see she was sorry for me. She took a few vitals and then I sat alone. I could hear my doctor talking the room next door about a woman's pap...that I could handle. It was when he went to the next room and I could hear them listening to a baby's heartbeat and I cried again. Finally it was my turn. He assured me I did nothing wrong and that in a few months we could try again. I was thankful that I didn't need another exam or anymore blood work. I left his office, walked to my car, and bawled. I just sat there and let it out and it felt so good. As I got closer to home I realized that I felt like now that this appointment was behind me I could start to think about moving forward. I know that once the pain stops and all the physical reminders are behind me I will feel even better.
The last few days have been so hard but my amazing family has been wonderful. First of all Miss Maddie. Yesterday she kept coming up and hugging my leg. You could tell she knew something was wrong and she just wanted her Mommy to be happy again. Every time I start to cry she is there being funny and cute and I can't stay sad. She is the best therapy! I am so thankful that I have been blessed with such an amazing little girl. I have been thanking Heavenly Father day and night for this joy in my life. My mother has watched Maddie for me and been an ear for me. She has given me the spiritual insigth and strength. She has given me permission to grieve and be sad but also to move on...I need that. And my wonderful husband...the man that through this has reminded me why I love him so much. He has held my hand and held me, he has made jokes with me when I need it and most importantly he has listened to me without trying to fix anything. He has been so sweet, so nurturing and tender. He has made it all about me the last few days. I am so thankful for him and for his love. I am so lucky to have this family to know that I can count on them to be there for me. I have also been blessed with friends who have been reaching out to me with their apologies and offering to bring my family meals. I know I still have healing to do but I am feeling hopeful and I know I can get there with all the support and love I have.
The last few days have been so hard but my amazing family has been wonderful. First of all Miss Maddie. Yesterday she kept coming up and hugging my leg. You could tell she knew something was wrong and she just wanted her Mommy to be happy again. Every time I start to cry she is there being funny and cute and I can't stay sad. She is the best therapy! I am so thankful that I have been blessed with such an amazing little girl. I have been thanking Heavenly Father day and night for this joy in my life. My mother has watched Maddie for me and been an ear for me. She has given me the spiritual insigth and strength. She has given me permission to grieve and be sad but also to move on...I need that. And my wonderful husband...the man that through this has reminded me why I love him so much. He has held my hand and held me, he has made jokes with me when I need it and most importantly he has listened to me without trying to fix anything. He has been so sweet, so nurturing and tender. He has made it all about me the last few days. I am so thankful for him and for his love. I am so lucky to have this family to know that I can count on them to be there for me. I have also been blessed with friends who have been reaching out to me with their apologies and offering to bring my family meals. I know I still have healing to do but I am feeling hopeful and I know I can get there with all the support and love I have.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
The end of this journey
We were waiting to post that we were expecting our second on here. Sadly we have to announce that we lost the baby yesterday. I had been having cramping since the weekend of the fourth but since there was no spotting or bleeding the doctors wouldn't see me. Last Friday the spotting started, the cramping gone. I called my OBs office and the doctor on call advised me to get in for an Ultra-sound on Monday (also my appointment with the nurse) They got us in and we got our first and only glimpse of the precious little one. I could even see the flicker of it's heart. They said everything looked good but that it was not measuring appropriately for their dating (for my dating I was right on track) They scheduled me for a follow-up ultra-sound next Tuesday. I came home and took it easy like the suggested. Weds. morning I was having heavier bleeding. Again I called the office and this time spoke to the nurse. she put me on the caution list and advised me if my bleeding increased to go the the ER right away. At this point I really wanted a blessing so I asked Donnie to please call Elder Nelson and see if he could come give me one. He came right away. It was a wonderful blessing and brought me much peace. As soon as the Elders left I went to the bathroom to check my bleeding it was then I think I lost the baby. I told Donnie to get Maddie we were going to the hospital. I called my mom who was on her way to pick something up and she said she would stay with Maddie. Donnie and I left for the ER as soon as she arrived. We walked in and the lady at the desk asked how she could help. I couldn't speak I knew if I tried to say anything the flood gates would open and I would be making a scene. Donnie finally spoke up telling her that we were afraid I had miscarried. She was very kind and got me checked in. We waited for about 3 minutes before the nurse came to take us back. The doctor came and spoke to us and explained that he wanted to do a pelvic exam, ultrasound, and blood work. I have never had such an uncomfortable exam in my life. I was loosing so much blood they had to suction me...I did try to convince them to use that blood for my blood work but they wouldn't. The doctor discovered that my cervix was open and if I hadn't lost the baby yet I was going to. The nurse tried to do my blood work failing horribly she finally gave up and let them take me to get my ultrasound. While they were doing the first scan I could see that the baby was gone but I during the second scan I asked and she said it was gone. She said she wasn't suppose to tell me but couldn't leave me wondering. I told her I appreciated it. They finally got my blood work done and the labs back. The doctor said my hormones level indicate that there should be a "something" in the uterus but they sound nothing that I had lost the baby.
I didn't sleep well, I've cried off and on all day, my body hurts and I am still bleeding. The outpouring of love and support from our friends has been wonderful...people I didn't even expect to hear from have come forward.
I know Heavenly Father has a plan and I know we will be blessed again. It is just so hard right now to look to the future. It doesn't matter that no one else knew this child. I knew it, I loved it and I want it sooo bad. It saddens me that to most of the world this special child didn't exist. It kills me that my child was flushed down a toilet. I'm not sure what to do now, I'm trying to plan for the future, I'm trying to get on board with Donnie to keep working on getting the next baby's room finished but I'm stuck. I can't even bring myself to remove my hospital bracelet because that's all I have left of this child. I don't want to let go but I need to move forward for myself and my family. Donnie has been amazing! He called today and asked for copies of the ultrasound pictures from Monday so that I will have something to remember this child.
I think I knew from the start of this pregnancy this was going to happen. I felt on edge the whole time. I was upset no one was helping me when I called about the cramping. I made comments like I was going to loose this baby. I just knew in my heart it wasn't to be I just wish I knew why. I am thankful that Heavenly Father impressed me to drop my class, there is no way I could have finished it under these conditions. I think once the physical pain stops it will be a little easier to work through the emotional. I pray that comes quickly.
I didn't sleep well, I've cried off and on all day, my body hurts and I am still bleeding. The outpouring of love and support from our friends has been wonderful...people I didn't even expect to hear from have come forward.
I know Heavenly Father has a plan and I know we will be blessed again. It is just so hard right now to look to the future. It doesn't matter that no one else knew this child. I knew it, I loved it and I want it sooo bad. It saddens me that to most of the world this special child didn't exist. It kills me that my child was flushed down a toilet. I'm not sure what to do now, I'm trying to plan for the future, I'm trying to get on board with Donnie to keep working on getting the next baby's room finished but I'm stuck. I can't even bring myself to remove my hospital bracelet because that's all I have left of this child. I don't want to let go but I need to move forward for myself and my family. Donnie has been amazing! He called today and asked for copies of the ultrasound pictures from Monday so that I will have something to remember this child.
I think I knew from the start of this pregnancy this was going to happen. I felt on edge the whole time. I was upset no one was helping me when I called about the cramping. I made comments like I was going to loose this baby. I just knew in my heart it wasn't to be I just wish I knew why. I am thankful that Heavenly Father impressed me to drop my class, there is no way I could have finished it under these conditions. I think once the physical pain stops it will be a little easier to work through the emotional. I pray that comes quickly.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Can you believ this??
I haven't posted a blog in forever and instead of an update on Maddie I'm blogging about my shopping. It is unbelievable!! I got all this for $1.00
What could be better than that?? Getting all this for .50!!
I love coupons!
What could be better than that?? Getting all this for .50!!
I love coupons!
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